Stories
Remembering Chris
Remembering Chris after 25 years
What has it been like to have lost a son 25 years ago?
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was informed by the police that my son had an accident and did not make it. He was dead. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. The next few days were a blur. The wake, the funeral, then I did not hear from people. The days were so long, the nights worse. I had nightmares about losing my daughter. The feelings and emotions that swept over me were so strong, they could have knocked me over. It was like going into a dark, cold tunnel. This was hell.
This is what happened:
Chris went to the Quincy Quarry, climbed down a steel cable that was draped
over the edge, and either lost his grip or slipped. He fell 180 feet hitting rocks on the way down. He was unconscious when he hit the water and then drowned. Why did he go there? He was a young boy of 17 yrs. old. Young boys do not think of the consequences of their actions. He made a mistake. With nothing more than a slip of a foot or loss of balance, a life is lost. This was tragic, and for me, this tragedy is something that does not go away.
Being unable to eat or sleep started taking a toll on me. I could not function. I wondered how on earth I was going to get through this. Not knowing what else to do, I called the local church and met with the minister there. We had a long talk, and this was the start of my road to the grieving process. I then started counseling and found The Compassionate Friends (TCF) group. Losing a child is unnatural and shocking. No parent should ever have to go through picking out a casket for their child. Grieving the loss of a child is not something you get over, but only get through. I will never be healed nor will the empty hole in my heart ever be filled.
The first step on my journey was understanding that my son had an accident, not that God took him from me. The second step was getting support from people who had lost a child, because they truly knew what I was going through. I found connection in their stories and comfort from their ability to relate in my grief. Third, understanding the grieving process: you need to go through the grieving process to get to the healing process. After 25 years, I am still grieving and will for the rest of my life.
The general public does not know what grieving the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a child, is like. They say things, meaning to help or make you feel better, but their words usually don’t help. It only makes things worse for the grieving person. Most people just don’t know what to say, so many times they will just say nothing but stare at you, as if staring at someone is going to make them feel better.
If some of you who have not lost a child think you know what it is like to lose a child, go to
a Compassionate Friends in person meeting and see a woman try to tell her story of losing
her seven year old daughter who fell from a tree and broke her neck with tears flowing down her face. Or watch a video of a man telling his story of his toddler that died when a brick fell from a building hitting the child in the head. I have been there, heard the stories, have seen
the faces, and felt their pain.
So what about counselors and therapists (a person skilled in a particular kind of therapy)? Many of these trained people are not trained in grief counseling or had very little training. They will gladly sit and listen to you and take your money or insurance and do little to help and say, “See you next week.” If you are seeking a counselor or therapist, look for one that has been trained in
grief therapy. There is this thing called Prolonged Grief Disorder. Professionals have come up with their rules and guidelines for how long to grieve the loss of a loved one. If you lose a child, you should be over it in 6-8 months or you are in disorder. I say to you who have lost a child, whatever the time that has gone by, you are not in grief disorder. Take a look at David Kessler's video on Prolonged Grief Disorder. Megan Devine has a video on this also.
I want to mention just a few of the things people have said, with well intentions, to me:
“I know how you feel.” (From someone who did not lose a child).
“I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother 10 years ago.”
“You will feel better in no time.”
With someone who has just lost a child, these words of trying to help or fix me is
like saying, “I know how you feel. I lost my goldfish when I was eight years old.”
I was asked, after one year of losing Chris, “When are you going to get over it?” David Kessler at grief.com states– “HOW LONG WILL YOUR CHILD BE DEAD?”
I may sound harsh with what I say, but losing a child is HARSH.
I think people second guess what you are feeling and give rude and often hurtful opinions.
After several years of going to TCF meetings, I started to feel better and more like myself. After about five years, I stopped going to the meetings because I thought I was doing ok, well for a parent who had lost a child. Now, after 20 years, I am involved with support groups (Grieving Together and TCF). I have found that helping others has been incredibly fulfilling and given me a sense of purpose. I wanted to help and show support to others who are going through the hell I went through.
What can you do to help someone who has lost a child? As Megan Devine at refugeingrief.com states in her book, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” (a must read): “SHOW UP, LISTEN, AND DON’T FIX.”
After the loss of several children, Rose Kennedy said, “It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it’s never gone.”
I hope that what I have said is some help and guidance for all of you.
Thank you for reading this document.
May you find some peace and comfort in your journey.
I feel that one way of putting what it is like to lose a child is expressed well in this song: